AN UNEXPECTED TURN !!!

“Why are you looking so pale? Go for a complete bloodcount(CBC)”, said the doctor to me. On the basis of that report I was admitted to the hospital as the counts were remarkably low. Injections were given, platelets were transfused, but the condition was the same. It was my first experience of getting admitted to a hospital so I was a little excited, unaware of the surprise stored in for me.

Bone marrow biopsy was done as the doctor had a suspicion that I might have blood cancer. His suspicion was proved to be true as the report was positive. It was “B-ALL” (B cell- Acute lymphoblastic leukemia). I was then taken to Tata Memorial Hospital where again a biopsy was done. This biopsy was not a biopsy. It was like a drilling. It was very painful. I was crying and shouting like anything. But that was over and the report was again positive, “B-ALL”.

I was not aware about Leukemia as what it is. And no one even explained it to me. So basically I was unaware of my disease except the term leukemia. So I googled the term and it was then when I got to know that I have blood cancer. I was a little shocked but not disheartened. I took this news as a challenge and was all ready to face it.

My treatment started in the month of February, 2012. First chemo was just an injection in the veins and I was like O! Wow! That’s it. It was followed by a no. of injections in veins, in muscles, in the spinal cord and the oral medicines. Chemotherapy has a no. of side effects like hair loss, vomiting, nausea, weight loss, swelling, at times insomnia, constipation, etc. It all started within one month of the treatment.

I used to vomit thrice or four times a day at one point of time. I started losing my hair so I got my head shaved. Believe me, I was not disheartened or depressed because I had faith in the Almighty and myself. I was ready to fight the Cancer. I was the chosen one – God’s warrior.

At times, I was sad because I was not able to go to college or for outings but with the support of my family and friends. I finally completed all the cycles of intensive chemotherapy and radiation. I fought against all the side effects and infections; got admitted to the hospital for a no. of times but never lost hope of recovering and here I am now with 0% or no blast, i.e. no cancer cells in my blood.

I am now in the second phase of the chemotherapy, i.e. maintenance which is for 2yrs and includes only oral medicines and regular blood tests.

My hair has started growing. It’s baby soft, jet black and curly.

All my bruises and scars have gone. Everything which was highlighted during the therapy – hair loss, weight fluctuations, loss of appetite, bruises, etc. were temporary and now everything is back to normal.

I am happy and proud to be a fighter and now a survivor.

A short message for all the FIGHTERS – “You are the chosen ones. God wants you to win this war. So do it religiously. Follow what the doctors say. All the best”.  

NEDAL ZOYA

Good Morning from Karachi :)

My day has begun with the struggle to uplift myself from the bed and finally after a lot of unnecessary self talk I succeeded to reach the park that is just a few minutes walk from my house. It's a wonderful morning Or so it seems to be, when I sense a feeling of accomplishment. May be that is equally true for Life, in the bigger scheme of things; often what keeps us alive and moving is our achievements which we find credible and they become a source of energy to carry on!

The conditions in Pakistan tend to feed on one's pessimism very well and I believe that has unfortunately become true throughout the world today, if one chooses not to be blind to the many superficial and feign developments taking place around us. 

Anyways I must make a detour from this thought because this morning's message is meant to be positive and how, I think getting ourselves rid from the dangerous feeling of 'helplessness' can become a vital tool to feel 'happy' and optimistic.  So, recently I have been attending classes for central superior services exam (I don't know why it's named superior cause we are meants to become public servants - anyways) and we the aspirants have been given three big No No's if we wish to succeed. They are:

- Do Not question the ideology of Pakistan (a religious state)

- Do Not question the role of Jinnah (the founding Father of the Nation)

- Do Not question the intervention of military establishment in Pakistan 

Tricky .... I found myself quite puzzled cause I seem to question all of them - that too fervently many a times. Thus I discussed with the instructors and sought to find ways of not messing with these No's but at the same time being able to critically analyse the history of Pakistan - its emergence and the over stretched dictatorial rule at intervals. I didn't find many satisfactory answers until I got my hands on the book 'Vintage Cowasjee - A selection of writings from Dawn'. Ardeshir Cowasjee, involved in his ship-owning firm during entire youth and ventured into the field of column writing in late 80's. His writings exposed the many evils of nepotism, intolerance, corruption and greed among others that have derailed any constructive progress in Pakistan. I always remember watching  his television interview where the anchor asked him, if he is so displeased with Pakistan why does he not leave the country. To which Cowasjee responded 'I have been here before Pakistan and if someone has to leave then it's Pakistan and not me.' ..... Sometimes we really forget crying our jingoistic slogans that modern nation states in their present form have only been carved out in recent history!
Moving to the point I wished to make: I read Cowasjee's articles titled 'statesman' talking about Jinnah's vision of Pakistan. And to my surprise unlike taught in our history books or not taught at all, Jinnah's speech to the soon to be created nation on the 11th of August 1947 stated as follows:

"You are free, free to go to your temples, you are free to go to your mosques or to any other place of worship in this state of Pakistan. You may belong to any religion or caste or creed - that has nothing to do with the business of the State. As you know, history shows that in England conditions some time ago were much worse than those prevailing in India today. Even now there are some states in existence where there are discriminations made and bars imposed against a particular class. Thank God, we are not starting in those days. We are starting in the days when the is no discrimination, no distinction, between one caste or creed and another. We are starting with this fundamental principle that we are citizens and equal citizens of one state....'

This particular passage was distorted only in the beginning days of this country. An official biography of Jinnah commissioned by the Government of Pakistan, published in 1954 read it as: 'You may belong to any religion or caste or creed - that has nothing to do with the fundamental principle that we are all citizens and equal citizens of one State.'

Such distortions and more have found sizable space in our texts and today this country stands at an edge where intolerance and bigotry is the order of the day.

Cowasjee, with his diligent research and prolific writing has unearthered many such cases of twistedness and I feel such facts will help me pave the path of critical analysis using facts and avoiding the No No's :p

I had used the word 'helplessness' before because at many times post graduation I experience such feelings due to reasons known. But somewhere the Sufi thought correctly entails that 'happiness is within' and we need to stick on to the magical word 'hope' and continue our journey without remorse :) we might find many answers on the way and / or many more questions !!!

Miss you all !!

Ajay

BEACON of HOPE

I am here in Lyari now enjoying my afterrnoon listening to Baluchi music sung by a young man while five men and one woman dancing centre stage quite cheerfully to the lyrical tune. This joyful sight is uncommon in the majority of the country today, especially during the month of Ramadan and in Lyari out of all places. Lyari, home to a vibrant and diverse Sindhi and Baluchi community has been on the news limelight for all the wrong reasons - heavily guarded by paramilitary forces this area has been plagued with communal violence and catastrophic armed rivalry.

And here we sit in the community hall breaking many norms and challenging many taboos. Though only a handful of women are sitting as spectators that too veiled in black from top to bottom, from their eyes only I could feel the element of liberation when some jubilantly responded to the satire presented by Tehreek e Niswan, though only for a temporary moment.

I have come here with Sheema ji and her theatre activists who have taken upon themselves a tough task to go to conflict stricken communities and convey their message of peace using the wonderful medium of street theatre. Today they staged the play titled "yeh basti meri basti hai" - "this community is my community". Not much needs to be told about the act since all of us are profoundly aware about the bizarre law and order and anarchic situation prevailing in the streets of Karachi leaving many residents in fear and anguish. In brief, the play is an attempt to bring to light the issues of our communities through a satirical lens than in a rhetorical or a breaking news manner. From bribery to eve teasing; to indiscriminate firing; to domestic violence against women, forcing them to do purdah while men from the same house fulfil their lust by shamelessly flirting with women and casting allegations on the dishonor not properly dressed women bring to societies; to casting abhorrent fatwas in the name of religion. All these issues were artistically highlighted and the audience very well responded, especially by giving a round applause after the religious bigotry scene.

The act was followed by a brief discussion where spectators shared their views ... Many among them openly advocated for peaceful means to end this escalating violence and accepted that such indiscrimate and intolerant behavior does exist. One bearded man himself recounted the fatwas scene and asserted that such events have increased over the years. Some women also came centre stage and spoke about their ill experiences when being teased by men from the community and how they felt highly subjugated at times.

Sheema ji also had a brief conversation with a few girls asking them about their views on burka / veil. They said that their mother's do not wear but they are asked to by male family members.

Lots more to learn and share along these lines but I feel this short experience is an insight into how intolerance has been preached and hypocrisy has furthered... Also it shows the magnitude at which the problem lies and the great amount of effort required to confront these underlying issues.

Street theat is certainly one of the best ways to incite discussion among spectators and create awareness - yet much more needs to be done !!!

Hoping for the best ...

Ajay

GIFT OF THE CHILD

So its been 3 and a half months since i said good bye to TISS and started my life as an adult working in the big bad real world. Trust me when i say this that these have not been the easiest days of my life for i thought i could never be happy again away from the friends whom i had literally( and well metaphorically feels like)  spent an entire lifetime of having fun, learning, sharing and caring and away from the campus to whom i owe the best days of my life. I had started becoming angry and irritated all the time and would start a fight with anyone and everyone over the smallest of reasons. Happiness it seemed had made an exit with my exit from the city of dreams. I knew i was working for a cause i felt for but there was no passion something was missing. I felt a disconnect from people. And i couldn't explain or understand why. 

Anyways we all have to earn a living don't we ? So here continues my story in distress.

So my mom likes to feed people and those of you have met me will understand that what i say is true. She packs a hearty lunch for office along with fruits and salad. And i (since i have been in a nasty mood for sometime) usually end up not eating the apple or the pear which then rots in the bag for days. On our way back home from the office among heavy traffic we cross an area of the city where certain people have made the city roundabout their home. The traffic is one of the most irritating parts about living in the capital city, one of the many things that i wish i could change about it. But if it wouldn't have been for the traffic jam i would have never realised how easy it can be to be happy. It was in one of these traffics that the smile of a 5 years old boy made me see the simplicity of life. As usual that day i had not eaten the pear that mom had given me, this 5 yrs old ran up to our car in the hope that he could get some money, i realised i must be leaving him him disappointed by giving him a pear instead of the money that he was hoping but then i have always preferred to give food instead of money. 

I think i have never been more happy to be proven wrong in my life than that 5 yrs old smile and happiness at having received the fruit. The car was stuck in the jam for about i think 10 minutes and the entire of those 10 minutes the child played with the fruit like it was a jewel. The shine in his eyes and the happiness on his face brought tears to my eyes and a new kind of satisfaction to my heart which i had never experienced before. It was not the so called 'good thing' that i had done that had brought this satisfaction and happiness but just the feeling of contentment on the face of that child that made me realise that i should stop wasting my time in finding happiness in people and pricey things but should start cherishing the small and minute details of life. That child taught me a lesson of life that no bool or no professor in a university could teach me. He taught me how to live life again. 

I dont know whether he ate the pear, as he was so mesmerised by it that the 10 minutes that i was observing him he couldn't stop admiring the fruit. I gestured at him to eat it but all he did was smile back, thanking me for the fruit that i had given him. I only wish there was a way i could thank him for teaching me the lesson of life that made the whole difference.  

Rishika Gupta

Field Program Officer 

Wadhwani Foundation 

Where is "self" in the community?

Currently, I joined Pradan organization which is working on livelihood security in eight states viz. Rajasthan, M.P. , Bihar, Jharkhand, Orrisa, Assam, Chattishgarh, W.B. Right now, I am in Godda district, Jharkhand. Godda district comes under Santhal Paragana region. In Gooda, I placed in Boarijore block which have 59.7% of tribal population having Santhal and Pahariya tribes. 

For 20 days, I was placed in caste as well as tribal village (10 days each) respectively in order to experience the village reality. Apart from that, I explored that where am “I” in the village? I can say that I tried to focus on 'self' during the village stay. I did nothing like collecting data or ontological inquiry for village profile. Only, I interacted with the villagers and tried to mingle with their daily experiences. I was roaming around the village and observed the village life. Also, I am trying to learn ghatiyari and santhali language. Nevertheless, I also tried to adjust myself in the new organization. For my good fortune, there is no boss-peon relationship. Everybody is called by their name.  

During the village stay, many things strike in my mind. During the past 5 years of my TISS life (BSW in RD & MSW), I had never been look out on myself. I did rigorous field work in rural areas without any thought that why am I doing this? My heart was bleeding when I saw pathetic condition of marginalized communities like Dalit and adivasis. But, I never thought that why should my heart bleed for them? Why should I care for them? Why should I felicitate them for their rights? Only because I read and experiences their conditions in the classroom or in field? Why should I work for them? Nevertheless, I read and experience everything but never experienced the "self" in myself. I recalled my field work presentation or I.C. and G.C. in TISS where professor or my field work guide asked me about my observation and learning only. And I lost myself in the vicious cycle of observation and learning which I got from the so called field work.  At the end of 5 years, I was inspired to work in rural areas with marginalized communities but I found that something is still missing in me and my friends. 

I found that we are more focusing on communities and their various issues. We read many books which gave many perspectives about rural as well as urban areas. But, we never focused on “self” which is equally important in the field. A student who has mixed emotions viz. anger, stress, agony, happiness, frustration and depression never shared his/her “self” to anybody.

I think that we all have reasons and belief to do something in our life. Believe me, if you all look in yourself and ask that what I did to myself till this date, you will get partial or incomplete answer.

We need to SHARE MYSELF TO EVERYBODY!

This story is incomplete because still I am searching myself in the rural area.

More will come…..

I hope that everybody is in their own precious mood.

Take care!

Love

Akshat